The only thing to fear is fear itself.

hmmm... i guess it has been a while since i have done this.

it is officially the day before i leave. even if it is midnight-ish. none the less it is still the day before i embark on an adventure. the adventure of a lifetime some would say. i would say that too.

so i am very excited but my excitement is muffled by my fear. no... not muffled... stifled. that's a more appropriate word. i guess i am afraid of the whole being in a country that i am not familiar with. i am afraid of not knowing what to do in certain situations. i am afraid of not being prepared. i am afraid of not being the vessel that God needs me to be. i am afraid of missing my family and my friends. i am afraid of coming back and everything being the same. i am afraid of not having everything i need. i am afraid that God will let me go out on the water in the middle of a storm and leave me to fend for myself while watching from the mountains. I am afraid of what i will learn about myself. i am afraid of being alone. i am afraid of my insecurity. I am afraid that God will break me into a million pieces and leave me to clean up the mess.

Kelly is gone. so that makes my fear a bit less because it lets me know that she got off ok and that she is fine. in a way it makes it a bit worse because now it is real. i am actually going to Peru. I am actually going to be gone all summer with people i barely know. i am really about to immerse myself in a COMPLETELY different culture. i just hope that someone misses me as much as i have missed her. she has been there for me and now that she is in Serbia i can't call her up when i need some encouragement. or when i need a reality check. she is good at that. and that is why i love her dearly.

i am going to miss my friends that are staying here. especially my flo town people. i have never found better friends then them and i probably never will. the calls in the middle of the night on my way back from a certain someones house were much needed. especially the ones where i just needed a audible shoulder to cry on. i will miss that very much.

but aside from all of that babble that just makes me cry...

i have all of my money! PRAISE GOD! I was very worried about that. now i am officially going. i am almost packed so all i have to do now is pick up a few more things from walmart and drive to Charlotte.

so... since my last post a lot has happened. not physical though. if that makes any sense. i have gone through many emotional scuffs. i use that word because they really aren't battles. they are just annoying little things that make me cry. there is one particular person that is the reason for the scuffs. there is a person that i have been friends with for a very long time that has had my heart since the day i met him. i have gotten over him and then fallen right back where i was in the beginning. i know that right now he is not the one for me. he is not where he needs to be in his walk with God. (well i say that because i am going on what we have talked about.) And i know that but every time i am with him it feels right. and that is not good because i start to expect stuff of him that he can not be. i find myself hoping for more than God is ready to give me. And then i tell myself not to get my hopes up with him because he might not be the one. but i can't ever picture myself with anyone else. maybe it is me just wanting to fill a void that was left when my heart was broken a year ago. maybe it is because i want to be able to say that i am in a relationship. what ever it is it has to stop!! because i can't waste my time thinking about this person any longer. there is no reason to. i am supposed to be working on being content being single but i am not. because i am surrounding my self with him and his family. i am talking about him constantly and i am not, by any means guarding my heart. and i HATE it. i want to be content with being single but i keep getting distracted. and satan loves that because he knows that this person is, right now, a weakness of mine. soon i hope he will be one of the things that keeps me strong. but now it he is one of the things holding me back from falling in love fully with Jesus Christ. i love God and i want to love Him more. More than i care for this person.

unrequited love is a beast. but when you replace it with God it becomes a beauty.

...



prayer please...

pray for my trip! what ever you feel like God is calling you to pray for then do it! mostly just pray for His will to be done in a earth shattering way.

continue to be in prayer for my Nana. she is getting better then worse then better then worse then better. so pray that she will be healed. if it is in God's will. i hope it is.

pray for my mom so that she will not go insane with worry and fear for me.

pray for my teammates.

pray for all the summer missionaries.

pray that God will replace my distraction with Himself.

that is all.